Today is a really not good day.

I didn't create this blog to discuss my depression. I had hoped I had beaten it, that if I were busy with everything else, it wouldn't become a problem.

Sometimes I really am a very stupid little girl. How can I think I've beaten something I've never even stood up to?

I hate this feeling. It's hopelessness and loneliness and the desire to just Go Away from everything but with the feeling of failure because I know I won't Go Away. I'd love to just get in my car and leave, but as cliche as the cliche is, no matter where I go, there I am. I've lived with this thing my entire life, and it's been my constant horrible companion throughout the moves, relationships, jobs, births, deaths.

Does that mean it's a part of me? I don't know.

I do know that when I take the prescribed medicine, I feel, for lack of a better word, Happy. Of course, I'm not entirely sure if that's the correct word, because I honestly don't know what Happy is. Is Happy the lack of feeling Sad? If so, then when I take the medicine, I do feel a little Happy. Is Happy the lack of feeling like I want to die? If so, then when I take the medicine, I'm not Happy. I'm Ecstatic.

But I've not been taking the meds because I don't like the feeling of disconnect. When I take the stuff, my brain is on a high. I'm cheerful and talkative and feel like a separate entity from my body. I have trouble remembering things, little nuances that I'm normally extremely intuned to. I don't like the fogginess that the meds provide.

Maybe the fog is the meds battling the rather large part of my brain that is depressed. The battle is waging and my brain, unsure of what to do, shuts that part off. Whatever it is, I hate it.

But I equally hate the feeling I have right now, the feeling where I just want to curl up and not see the rest of the world ever again. There seems to be no happy medium. Or Happy medium. Or any medium.

And at times like this, I really don't know what to do.